the journey to heal a heartache

time has passed.. things have changed.. some came.. some went away.. but still i'm here.. standing.. still.. like how i used to be..

perhaps it all started the day i and j decided to go on separate ways.. or should i say, landed on separate ways.. oh well, so much for that.. that's not really the topic.. haha.. it's been a while since i last posted in this blog.. and now i'm here.. to keep my blog alive.. and to keep my life's journal updated..

i've always wanted to write.. thing is, i really don't have that much time.. what is spared for me, most of the time i spend sleeping.. because aside from working during the night, i also spent a big portion of my time going to practically everywhere with my friends.. eating, drinking, and whatsoever we might think of.. also, i barely have that much inspiration.. oh well, by inspiration i refer to the self-driven one.. not the usual mushy inspiration that other people might know..

ok then.. time for my story..

lately, i've been into this not-so-nice adventure.. haha.. oh well, for my almost 5 months of being single, i've managed to divert my attention to something different.. perhaps to heal the pain that the previous relationship had etched on my not-so-strong heart..

with no intention to invest too much emotions, i've met a lot along the way (know what i'm saying?).. but really, none of them have captured that much of my interest.. not even the fleshy type..

m - he was the first guy i met at work.. honestly i had a slight interest with him.. physically, he was my type of guy - chubby, the best guy to sleep with during the cold nights -- tried, tested and proven.. haha.. .. but it was a bit late when i realized that he was up for naughty adventures ONLY.. and yes, i had some with him.. but that was it.. that was JUST it..

m2 - m2 is a bit different.. he was the sweet and mushy type of guy.. he always has cheesy lines every so often.. but i never really liked him.. we're still seeing each other until now.. chatting, texting and all sorts of communication.. but then again, no special emotions or whatsoever..

n - he used to be my student in one of the classes i handled when i was still in the academe.. well, if there is someone i like to be with.. it's probably him.. thing is, we never really managed to make it to a higher level.. perhaps because of the physical distance that keeps us apart.. i want to keep him.. but i don't think there can be the "us" anytime soon.. i cannot really blame him..

r - the fast and the furious.. he said "i love you" during our first date.. haha.. hell, he didn't even know me that much.. so there.. so much for him.. i never really wanted a roller coaster ride.. i want it slow, careful and serious..

h -- he was with me prior to j.. he once asked me out for coffee.. it was sometime in september.. as for him, fourteen months after we've last seen each other.. perhaps fourteen months after we officially ended.. what was planned to be just coffee went to something more (ok, wholesome mode..) "pahiram naman ako sayo for another hour".. he said.. then i said yes.. haha.. it's really hard for me to say no.. maybe i wanted to be with him a little longer too, that's why i hastily agreed with him.. and what was planned to be just an hour of extension became two.. three.. four.. and for all we knew..sun was about to set then.. and yes, he still has this spark.. he was still the one i once fell in love with.. darn..

i'm not perfect.. not even a bit.. i've got all the flaws in every detail of my physical and emotional being.. but thing is, i don't really tend to like someone for a long time.. these persons were more or less what i am looking for.. i just don't know why i suddenly lost my interest after having known them in their deeper sides... or maybe i haven't found yet the next person that i would want to be with.. if not for the rest of my existence, at least for a long while..

i know.. it will take a while to heal a heartache.. as i've mentioned in one of my posts in facebook -- we cannot really change what happened.. but at least we can always forget it.. time and again, with one heartache after another, i have already mastered the art of forgetting -- selective amnesia, as some refer to.. and more often than not, it's not the heartache that i forget, but the entire person.. perhaps the entire story that i have created with that person..

probably it'll take me a while too before i find the perfect one.. i'm not in a hurry though... not even searching, but i don't even close my door for the possibilities out there.. for i believe that the best things [people] are not found, but built.. we always prefer the ready-to-wear clothes.. but barely did we know that the best and the toughest ones are those that are extensively built by our dressmakers -- more often than not, they are unique and specially designed to meet our standards.. the perfect ones might even be around, coexisting with us.. just waiting for the right time and the right place..

*sigh*

and suddenly, we lost sight of forever..

i have to do this because this is the only option that i have for now.. i never really know what's there for us tomorrow.. or on the other day.. i might want to look forward for the best things to come our way.. but i can't still discount the fact that we are both like a paper boat this time.. fragile.. easily broken..

i actually wanted this relationship to be the best for both of us.. but it seems that things aren't just going right on track.. maybe just for now.. to be honest, it pains me a lot not to communicate with you.. we were both vulnerable these past few days.. maybe because of the busy schedules that we have.. alongside the overwhelming demands of our own professions come a strong challenge for the forever that we've once built..

i am happy that you are enjoying your job.. and i know you'll be a lot better in the days to come..

i don't really know if this "idle mode" for our relationship[should there still be any] would work out.. we have never really settled things down.. we both don't know what to expect from each other and what to do to each other.. we just both disappeared on each other's vision.. on each other's senses perhaps.. with no expectations set.. without even the assurance of coming back to each other's arms again..

i don't want to say goodbye.. this might not be appropriate for our situation now.. should things get well in the near future, i will still be here.. i will wait until time allows me to.. remember, there's someone whom you can come to whenever you get lost.. when this dumb life throws trashes on you, just never hesitate to approach me.. and there's always a helping hand and heart right here.. i'll give you time for now.. we both need that, i believe.. you can always come home to me.. i love you.. and you know that..

and you might want to reminisce with this song.. the one you sung to me over the phone a few months ago.. who would forget that sweet voice singing a sweet song in a sweet cold night..

sabi mo eh..

ang sabi mo sa akin kanina, hindi ako marunong makinig pag pinagsasabihan.. spoiled bratt.. kelangan masunod lahat ng gutso.. sabi mo din, hindi ako tumatanggap ng opinyon ng iba.. oo na.. tama ka naman talaga matigas talaga ang ulo ko. mas nakikinig ako sa sarili ko kahit na alam ko na minsan eh sablay ang mga desisyon ko.. pasensya ka na, mahirap kasi baguhin ang nakasanayan.. naalala mo pa yung teorya ko tungkol sa natural order? alam mo, hanggang ngayon eh naniniwala pa din ako dun..

pasensya ka na kung minsan eh pinipilit kitang gawin ang mga bagay na ayaw mo.. pasensya ka na kung madalas akong parang bata kung umasta.. alam ko naman na hindi na ako bata.. hindi na ako mahilig sa lollipop na nauubos eh.. haha..

mahal na mahal kita.. sa loob ng pitong bwan na nagkasama tayo, naging masaya ako.. sa bawat araw, gabi, at kahit na madaling araw.. sa tuwing magkasama tayo, ayoko nang matapos ang oras.. kaso hindi pwede.. sabi mo nga, hindi lang tayong dalawa ang tao sa mundo.. alam mong malaking parte ka ng mundo ko.. kahit na kung minsan ay naiisip mo na hindi kita naaappreciate.. alam mo na hindi totoo yun.. gusto ko lang na magkasama tayo.. yun lang masaya na ko..

alam mo din naman ang pinagdadaanan ko sa ngayon.. mahirap lampasan ang problema ng mag-isa.. mahirap mag-isa.. oo, matapang ako.. risk-taker.. palaban.. yun ang sabi mo diba.. pinipilit ko maging matapang.. pero hindi maging manhid..

sana din lang, hindi ka na lang basta-basta nagiging bulag, pipi at bingi pag nag aaway tayo.. masakit kasi na walang pakialam sayo ang taong mahal mo.. sabi mo yun diba?

alam ko naman na hindi perpekto ang relasyon natin.. wala naman talagang ganun eh.. pero may mga bagay talaga na hindi natin kaya icontrol.. alam mo, minsan kahit anung pilit ko kontrolin ang nararamdaman ko, hindi ko pa din talaga kaya..

masakit sa akin yung nagyari kanina.. muntik na nga tumulo ang luha ko nung nasa fx ako pauwi ng bahay eh.. masakit isipin na ganon mo na lang ako kabilis papakawalan.. pero sana naman, hindi na tayo umabot sa ganon.. tama na yung isang beses..

kung sakaling mapagod ka na sa akin, hindi na kita pipigilan. ayokong paghigpitan ka.. mahal na mahal kita.. alam mo yan.. ayoko lang maging unfair sayo at sa sarili ko.. hindi ko ipipilit ang sarili ko sayo kahit na masaktan ako..

masaya ako na kasama ka.. at mas magiging masaya pa ako kung makakasama kita ng mas matagal na panahon..

kanina ko pa gutso umiyak pero hindi ko magawa.. kaya eto, dinaan ko na lang sa blog.. sana makabawas man lang to sa nararamdaan ko..

hindi nga ako marunong makinig, pero marunong akong magmahal.. sana nararamdaman mo yon..

kahapon, habang nasa bus ako, bigla akong napadpad sa mga messages mo sa inbox ko.. ito yung message mo sa akin nung nakaraang pasko..

hon, i love u, wag m0ng gawing manhid ung sarle m. D kta iwan at papabyaan, ok I love you. Mrami k dng bngo s pgiicp q. Tnulungan m q intndhn ung sarle q. Ndi kta hahayaang mwla sakn. Ok. Lge ktang yayakapn, tpos iki2ss, tpos kukulitin. Ok, papasayahin kta s abot ng mkakaya q. D q mpapangak0ng d kta msasaktan, pro d aq gagawa ng mkakasakt sau ng s0bra. Bta p tau, mdmi p taung mrarating at mraranasan, at gxto qng gwn un kxma k. Cmula ng mahalin kta, kxma k n s buhay q. I love you. :-)

yan yung eksaktong message mo sakin nun..

ngayon, handa na akong ibuhos ang mga luhang matagal nang naghihntay na makalaya mula sa aking mga mata.. sapat na siguro ang laptop na to sa harap ko para pagaanin ang mabigat kong pakiramdam..

eto nga pala yung isang kanta para sayo.. naalala mo pa nung lagi kong pinapatugtog yan nung mga unang araw natin? pakinggan mo..

the newbie

college graduation marks the end of one's academic endeavours, on one hand.. and on the other, the passage to the real world -- where, as a text message goes on, the test comes prior to the lesson..

i have graduated just weeks ago.. and now, here i am.. venturing the wide sea of the real world.. looking for a possible niche where i can place myself, a place where i can mount my own dreams.. things have changed, indeed..

for the mean time, i grabbed the opportunity to perform a profession that many would tend to label as "easy".. and here i am.. waking up a few hours before the sun rises so that i won't get stuck in the mrt when the freaking rush hour starts and get to work at 7..

at work, i have to do away with my estduyante habits.. no more late's.. not even one.. haha.. it's kinda hard.. nevertheless, i can do it.. i believe.. it is my first job, and as a newbie to business realities, i still keep my idealistic mindset that at a point in time, i could draw my own success.. i will.. i believe..

at 20, i know i still have a lot to experience and to accomplish.. little do i know what's there for me tomorrow, nonetheless, i believe there will be a lot.. and a lot more.. haha..

so there.. it's me in another phase of my colorful life.. in another realm of fairy tales.. but still within the portals of my own being..

somewhere out there...

undo

just got a nice thought here..

kanina, habang gumagawa kami ng powerpoint presentation ng research namin, bigla ko na lang nasabi sa mga groupmates ko,

walang control Z sa buhay, sa computer lang yun..

out of nowhere.. haha

joke as it may seem..

pero minsan, sa mga simpleng salitang binibitiwan natin, dun lumalabas ang mag bagay na sadyang hindi natin kayang sabihin

play of words.. outlet of hidden emotions

a special gift for your birthday

I really wish we could be perfect. I really wish that someday, somewhere, you find completeness with me – in spite of and despite of the world that goes around us. Amidst the chill of the morning that completely wipes away the fragile beams of the rising sun, I want to wake up with your arms wrapped around me and your soft lips against mine. Whereby no means of doing so is absolutely possible, I want to take you as my own – my man, my friend and my companion through all these endeavors I face.

You are my dream coming into life, my knight in this battlefield, my king to be served and pampered, my angel to guide me through the darkness of my fate. Notwithstanding the pains it may cause me, I will still hold on until we reach the end of forever. Perhaps, we have already started building our future, we have already established a life that has to be nourished with profound love.

Together we will cross the boarders of eternity. Until forever and ever has vanished, my love for you will be perpetual.

We may never deny that it has been a roller coaster ride for the two of us. Nonetheless, it was the best roller coaster ride that I ever had in the entirety of my existence. Of course, I’ve got the best person to ride with. And even if we are drifting into a thousand and one loops of the track, I am still hoping that we hold on – as tight as we can. Everything is meant to end, my dear – and so do the loops that we are experiencing. Until then, I wish you are still the one I am riding with.

I will forever and ever go back to this ride, to the loops and to the earthly heavens. I will do whatever it takes just to be with that single thing that puts me in a blissful realm. Should the two of us be permitted to live a second life in this world, I will still search for you. You know I will. I will still opt to ride with you in that same old roller coaster – experience occasional fight, and live with each other’s unconditional love.

Just hold my hand tight, and I promise that we won’t fall. Just hold on tight, for I may not be strong enough to catch you. Sure enough, you are aware of my weaknesses – and so am I on yours.

once again..