super mario

sana ako na lang si super mario...
para kahit kailan, pwede akong magpalipat-lipat sa iba't-ibang mundo...
sana may mga warp zone na lang sa buhay, para hindi ko na kailangan dumaan sa mga pagsubok..


alam ko na hindi pwedeng habang-buhay akong nasa gitna ng dalawang mundo... oo, hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa din talaga alam kung saan ako lulugar...

alam kong darating at darating ang panahon na kailangan kong magdesisyon sa kung saan ba talaga ako mas masaya at sa kung saan ko ba talaga mahahanap ang tunay kong kailangan...

at alam ko, na kahit saang mundo ang piliin ko, meron at merong mga pagsubok...

kaya ngayon, hahayaan ko muna ang sarili ko na maging masaya sa paglalakbay sa dalawang mundo...
at hanggat hindi ko pa nahahanap ang lugar ko, mananatili muna akong isang super mario - patuloy na magpapalipat-lipat, habang patuloy na hinahanap ang tunay na sarili...

at hanggat madilim pa ang landas na aking nilalakaran, heto muna ako, sa isang madilim na larawan...

patuloy na hihintayin ang liwanag na gagabay sa tamang daan na dapat kong tahakin, patungo sa tamang lugar kung saan ako magiging masaya... habang-buhay...

the same old story, and the new me

so here i go again... back to that same old realistic [read: negative] views about this thing called love... back to that same old game i used to play when i was a total stranger into my own reality...

and here's the story, my first relationship with someone from the same plane...
and my first breakup... and yes, the demise of this hopeful in me...

after your request, promises and gigantic dreams for the two of us, after that night when you did not sleep just to watch me sleeping, and after that romantic breakfast, i finally gave in... i knew it was a roller coaster ride that awaits the two of us... but i took the risk... and my love for you had started... i gave you myself, and the promise of forever... i was full of hope... and endless smiles was the description of my life back then...

i thought our forever had began and my own happily-ever-after had come into existence... just i thought...

days had passed... sweet messages and romantic thoughts had been exchanged... you held my hand as if there was no tomorrow... you hugged me so tight as if you wouldn't let me go...

until one rainy day...

you sent me a text message... you said you had several issues with your life, with our relationship and with me... to make the long story short, you asked me if we could JUST be friends... you said you just have to fix your personal trouble, WITHOUT ME... you said you can't
hold on anymore... i knew it beforehand... i already figured it out several days before...

so right there and then, i gave up... right there and then, i already got off that same old vehicle we used to board towards eternity... right there and then, i lost sight of our forever... right there and then, i ended my journey with you...

we were done... and i already gave up...

you had me once... and that was more than enough... until another rainy midnight... i received a text message... you said you want me back, you wanted the "us" to be materialized again... but i declined... sorry, but i do not believe in "second once in a lifetime"...

i am not that same old stupid guy anymore... i am not blind not to see how much i sacrificed for you and how much i took my own issues for granted just to settle yours... i have my own stories too, but i set them aside to listen to yours... i have my own life too, but i set it aside to fix yours... i gave you the best that i could...

mahal kita at mamahalin kita hanggat nasa akin ka, pero pag tapos na yon at nawala ka na, tapos na din ang pagmamahal ko sa yo... ganon lang kasimple yon...

and i see no reason why i should still do...

i was once yours... that's it... end of OUR story... no second part, no replay...

it's now time for me to focus on my OWN story...

i grew strong, strong enough not to even bother to text you... i know it's your birthday on sunday, don't worry, as promised, i'll still be the one to greet you first... it's not a big deal at all since i always stay up late... i guess a greeting message will do... no phone call, no... i have some more important things to do than to phone you and discuss about the same old issues again - about the same old sorry and the box office i-promise-to-take-care-of-you-this-time again... not anymore... as i've said, i'm not yours anymore...

i know how to play my game... and ours was OVER... and yes, this guy has his brain stronger than his heart, and his pride stronger than his emotional investments... i know when to hold on and i know when to give up... and i gave up... i don't want to hold on to someone whose promises were not even materialized... and i don't want to look desperately waiting for you... i did, i waited... but i got up from my stupidity... and now i am wide awake...

and no, we're not getting there anymore... we're n0t getting to that eternity that i promised... my hands are not yours anymore...

i am not the one who should feel guilty here... i HAD done my part... i made sure that you had a great time with me... it was you who gave up, it was you who did not take care of our story... and it was you who first took your hand away from mine...

i guess i'm playing this game fairly... and i guess my defenses are still working well... i refuse to shed tears in my pillow... not again...

oh well, i can still be a friend... as i told you before, i was not hurt... yeah, for real... you know how to reach me... i am still using the same old mobile numbers... and still in the same old dormitory... i can still be your occasional smoke and coffee buddy... but i won't be waiting for you anymore... my room is always open for you... but i have already locked the doors of my heart and my mind for you...

oh, i remember i handed you two of my favorite books before you left... don't worry, i won't take them back... they're all yours...

before i forget, i have to say this: THANK YOU... because you taught me to be a good player... because you made me realize that i can never really be that boy with a halo... that i'm still that bad boy whose room is hellish... and that same old snob guy who doesn't care whatsoever... i know, you once brought out the good boy in me, but that good boy has already signed off the very moment we broke up...

i guess all i need for now is someone who will lead me back to that same old comfort zone where i was before you took me out... and most definitely it's NOT you... not again...

and this is me, back to that same old journey... still the same old bad boy laughing devilishly...
after all, i guess i've done well with you... i loved you ONCE...
and now it's time for me to love myself... and go back to that same old game i used to play...
i was left alone, but i still have my life... and that's more than enough... i can start from there...

goodbye for now, goodbye forever


=)
and i am now smiling... i guess i'm on my way to unleashing this bad-boy-to-the-next-level in me

and a lot of questions

1. What was the last message in your inbox ? a sweet note from someone...

2. Who is your best friend ? someone i made a post in this blog

3. What schools are you attending right now? UP

4. Do you have a pet ? yep yep, a dog

5. What song are you listening to now ? lost in space

6. Did you kiss anybody in the past 2 days ? Yippie :)

7. Have you ever kissed someone you met in the blogosphere? Nope, haven't met one...

8. Would you be happy if you had everything ? so so

9. Are you always thinking of someone special? yep yep yep... and i'm tired of doing so... :) but i just can't stop...

10. Tell us of your most desperate dream? refer to this post: salamat sa ulan

11. If you had a crush, would you tell that you love him/her now ? Nope, hindi ko yata kaya :)

12. If you could be anywhere in the world now, where would you want to be ? north pole

13. When was your heart last broken? woosh....

14. How many email accounts do you have? 4...

15. What do you wear when you sleep? none... bare naked :)

16. What is your current status? single, available and free... ;) hahaha naughty
17. Are you currently in a relationship? nope...

18. Have you ever been given a rose? yep.. four blue roses (bakit four? ewan ko din)

19. What is your all-time favorite love story movie? i don't like love stories

20. Are you in love ryt now? i don't know... hahaha

21. Do you believe that everyone has a soulmate? soulmate? duh... there's no scientific basis for me to believe in such... :)

22. What's your current problem? refer to #20... :)

23. Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend? hahaha... refer to this post again: salamat sa ulan

24. Do you want to spend your life with the person you're with right now? refer to #2o again...:)

25. How many kids do you want to have? 3 (sana)

26. What is/are your favorite color/s? black, white, blue, pink

27. Do u believe in love at first sight? nope, it's purely infatuation at first sight... :)

28. What were you doing at 8 this morning? sleeping..

29. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? reading blogs

30. How many different things did you drink today? 3... water, lemonade, cereal drink

31. What was the last thing someone bought for you? gummy worms... yum yum

32. What was the last gift you received for your birthday? pillow from my best friend...

33. What color is your mouse right now? red

34. What is the best ice-cream flavor? pistachio

35. What is something you are excited about? graduation :) and life after that..

36. What do you spend most of your money on? personal hygiene = 40%, food = 40% savings = 20% (ganyan ko ibudget ang weekly allowance ko)

37. If you could change anything about the past two months would you? refer to #9 and #20

38. Do you watch The OC? i did

39. Does your screen name have an 'x' in it? kylexxx? hahaha

40. Are you typically a jealous person? yep yep

a dozen of text messages and a song

it was a few minutes before lunch time when i got up...
first thing in the morning: check the messages on my cellphone...
i got twelve - eleven of them (which i guess i was strong enough to read) came from one person
[i will tell the story about the messages soon]

another text message from a friend... and that one really made me go emo this early...
here's the message:

there's a difference between goodbye and letting go...

goodbye is...

i will see you again when i'm ready to hold your hand and when you're ready to hold mine...

letting go is...

i will miss your hand. i realized it's not mine to hold and i will never hold it again...

after my morning rituals, thesis mode again... my mind went blank while staring at the monitor... i could not think of anything... my mind was not yet totally awake... so i decided to turn on the radio... then i came across an unfamiliar song... i got struck by this single song that i had never heard before... good thing, the dj said the title... so i hastily opened youtube to search for a video of that song...



was the song really striking? or am i just being too sensitive?

oh my... what's happening? why this song? why those text messages? why now? after what happened last night? waah..

i guess i have to let you go...
oo na, malaya ka na...

<*it's one heck of an emo day ahead*>

part-time

it has been a while since i last posted in this blog... i've been occupied by lots of things these past few days... thesis, exams, papers, projects... school life.. estudyante mode, as i've always been telling my friends when they ask me to hang out... so many things changed when classes started. top of the list, my frequency of updating this blog and visiting others'.. i have been a blogger since last summer.. i was a full time blogger then, though i was also on my internship mode.. but now, because of this big RESPONSIBILITY attached with being a student, i have to be just a part-time blogger, a part-time student, a part-time friend and a part-time partner.. yes, i don't live my life focusing on just one sphere..

part-time student.. i do not really take studying as a real big deal.. i do not read books and handouts.. neither do i frequent the library (san nga ulit ang library sa campus?)... but at some exceptional situations, i still manage to be a full-time student (like once a month).. yeah, i know my responsibilities and i still make it a point that i accomplish all of them..

part-time friend, part-time adik, part-time emo.. i am more of a happy-go-lucky person.. "adik", as my friends call me.. honestly, i am not that serious type of guy.. you would always see me smiling and laughing like a real adik.. i have problems.. lots of problems.. but they are not evident on me..

part-time partner.. yes, i made up my mind and got that big big COURAGE to enter into this relationship.. with someone who's in the same world as mine.. it is my first time to settle with someone of my kind.. i was hesitant at first.. i got this thought that i might get hurt.. but still, i took the risk..

this semester has really brought lots of changes to me.. it's the second to the last semester that i have to spend in my undergrad (hopefully).. several months from now, i'll be entering into the real world.. i don't know yet what's there for me in the coming days.. but for now, i still want believe that i am doing fine - as a student, as a friend, as a family and as a partner..

oh well, i guess that's all for now.. i still want to tell more .. but i also need to polish the second draft of my thesis..
<*estudyante mode activated*>

i have yet to find another spare time for my stories..


:)