i dream
i dream that someday
someone will sing this song to me...
maybe not tonight
but soon enough...

when the only choice is to let go of you...

it hurts to know that we’re worlds apart
but it hurts even more when you’re just around yet we can’t be together

so which one am i going to choose?
both are hard anyway…

unwell

12 am...i was about to write a report that would be passed to my practicum adviser the following day...i had typed a few sentences... 1 am...nothing had progressed...i needed another stick of my deadly friend...huli na to, promise...i wanted a cup of coffee, I had one...another hour had passed, nothing happened...until i found myself asking this question: ano ba talaga ang gusto kong mangyari?
it was past 3... i was still awake...sleeping had never came up to my thought...i never noticed that there was only one song playing...unwell by matchbox 20...and I had been repeatedly listening to that song for about 4 hours...what a perfect song for an imperfect moment...
i wasn't sad...i never thought i was...i was supposed to be happy and relieved...happy because i am on my way to reality...happy because sooner or later i will be able to remove my mask...but i can't simply be happy...i never knew why...i had lots of questions...and yet i never had even a single answer...so, am i giving up? am i going back to my cage?
i fell asleep just a few minutes before sunrise...i got up in about an hour...i took a bath, fixed myself and left home...the questions came with me...they never wanted to leave me...at least, they love me :)
i never knew the answers to my questions... and that's what i am trying to figure out now...it's 2 in the afternoon... and yet, nothing has progressed...

one step closer to my life

i did not know much about myself...that was before...
i just started trying to know it better when i created this blog...
i am hoping to find my lost self sooner...

and now, allow to me tell some things i know about me...

i am Kyle(not my real name)
i am 19 years old
i am not that hunky superman image, just a short guy
i love classical music
i hate non-sense music
i eat a lot
i cook... my friends say i'm good at it... i am sure they are not joking :)
i am a nocturnal animal (not in a green sense)...
i smoke... whenever I need to
i drink...i easily get drunk...
i don't like parties, i don't like nightlife... i have my own way of spending the night... with my books and my favorite music... sometimes with a good friend... only sometimes
i love to sleep, but i can't do it most of the time
i love cartoons, i hate love stories (for no reason at all)...
i love myself... but there is a big part of me that is missing... i do not search for it... i know it will come in due time...
i love to travel... alone most of the time... by choice
i love adventures... of any sort
i'll be earning my bachelor's degree a year from now (crossed fingers)
i have secrets... so much secrets... that 's why i created this site, to reveal all of them...
i don't believe in destiny... for it is beyond the human capacity to rationalize...
yeah, i try so hard to be rational... though i can't be at times...
i used to love coffee... until my rude doctor told me that I should stay away from coffee :(
i am not sweet as well... i have my own way of showing the "sweetness" that some people want from me... let's just say, i am exceptionally sweet :)
i don't have an obligation to be nice to every person...
i love dark chocolates...and raw mangoes... yum yum...
i do not take initiative in any situation...and i think i never will...
and most of all... i am afraid of getting hurt...
so i try to avoid things that might hurt me...
yes, i am weak...

“Love”

I did not want to be involved in this thing – or so I thought. This is the single most thing that I am trying very hard to escape from. But I couldn't help myself from falling for it. I am threatened by the fact that I might not be able to get myself out once I get in. But I can't simply stop falling for the ultimate desire that I have been longing for since I had my true self enlightened.

I had it once just to satisfy my cravings. I wanted to have it again, but the angel inside of me said: “dear, not again unless you are sure of it”. I would be the single most dumb man on the planet if I will say that I did not like it. But I still have this anxiety that I might drown into it and never be able to save myself until this thing called “love” has totally taken and eaten my whole being.

I easily fall for someone. I find it so much hard to let go of the person that I “love”. But if it's not mine, then there's nothing I could do but to dream. Dream that one day, there could be “us” and not just “me” alone. But I express my true feelings too rarely that nobody would even notice that there's a soft man drowning in tears inside of me.

And it happened – the ultimate thing that I am afraid of. I fell for you. Until I found myself constantly thinking of you. Until I found you constantly running around my mind – all day, all night, every day and every night.

I went back to where we met. But you were not there. I did that for several times, until I found not even a single sight of you. Then I realized that I got drowned into you, that I got so blind not to see my “heart” bleeding, that I got so stupid not to realize that you were gone and would never be back again – that what we had was not eternal. that it wasn't just the right “love” that is acceptable for this bigoted world. What I had with you was my happiest “forever” so far. I had that “forever” with you in just a glimpse - but that was a memory of a lifetime. And that, for me was the first “forever”, and hopefully not the last I would ever have. Sure enough, I will cherish that “forever” until I wake up from my dreams.

So there it was, the damn I had to face. My first entry to this blog. Ands this, I made to reveal the real me, the “me” that no one had known. Thanks to tristan (tristantales.com), you're such an inspiration.