a special gift for your birthday

I really wish we could be perfect. I really wish that someday, somewhere, you find completeness with me – in spite of and despite of the world that goes around us. Amidst the chill of the morning that completely wipes away the fragile beams of the rising sun, I want to wake up with your arms wrapped around me and your soft lips against mine. Whereby no means of doing so is absolutely possible, I want to take you as my own – my man, my friend and my companion through all these endeavors I face.

You are my dream coming into life, my knight in this battlefield, my king to be served and pampered, my angel to guide me through the darkness of my fate. Notwithstanding the pains it may cause me, I will still hold on until we reach the end of forever. Perhaps, we have already started building our future, we have already established a life that has to be nourished with profound love.

Together we will cross the boarders of eternity. Until forever and ever has vanished, my love for you will be perpetual.

We may never deny that it has been a roller coaster ride for the two of us. Nonetheless, it was the best roller coaster ride that I ever had in the entirety of my existence. Of course, I’ve got the best person to ride with. And even if we are drifting into a thousand and one loops of the track, I am still hoping that we hold on – as tight as we can. Everything is meant to end, my dear – and so do the loops that we are experiencing. Until then, I wish you are still the one I am riding with.

I will forever and ever go back to this ride, to the loops and to the earthly heavens. I will do whatever it takes just to be with that single thing that puts me in a blissful realm. Should the two of us be permitted to live a second life in this world, I will still search for you. You know I will. I will still opt to ride with you in that same old roller coaster – experience occasional fight, and live with each other’s unconditional love.

Just hold my hand tight, and I promise that we won’t fall. Just hold on tight, for I may not be strong enough to catch you. Sure enough, you are aware of my weaknesses – and so am I on yours.

once again..

para kay B-)

medyo matagal na din ang pinagsamahan natin.. madami na din tayong lugar na napuntahan ng magkasama.. maraming beses mo na din akong pinagalitan at sinungitan.. halos bawat gabi din tayong magkatabi sa pagtulog at magkayakap hanggang umaga.. haha.. napaiyak mo na nga ako isang beses eh.. ang galing mo talaga..

pero alam mo, sa lahat ng yon, pinakagusto ko yung inaalagaan at inaasikaso mo ko.. yung pinatatawa, pinapangiti pag badtrip.. at ang smiley na naging simbolo nating dalawa :-) B-)

sabi ko sa iyo dati, ayokong magmahal kasi masaya naman ko sa buhay ko at.. hindi totoo yun, gusto kong magmahal pero natatakot akong masaktan, natatakot akong mapagastos ng malaki dahil sa tuwing masama ang loob ko eh kung anu-anong binibili ko.. ayokong masaktan kasi wala namang magcocomfort sakin.. mahirap kaya umiyak ng mag-isa.. hindi naman kasi lahat ng tao eh maiintindihan ang sitwasyon ko..

pero sa kabila ng lahat ng takot at alinlangan, pinili ko pa din na mahalin ka.. eh ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ko eh nandun na tayo.. wala nang atrasan.. sabi mo nga, nahulog na ako sa bitag mo.. haha..

at eto na nga, sumugal na ako sa kinatatakutan kong pag-ibig.. totoong walang kasiguraduhan ang ating buhay sa mundo.. hindi natin alam kung anong magyayari bukas.. sa isang bukas.. at sa mga darating pa na bukas.. at sana, sa mga yon, kasama pa rin kita..

natutunan kitang mahalin sa paglipas ng mga araw.. natutunang pahalagahan, at gawing parte ng akig buhay, ng aking mga pangarap.. at ng aking bukas.. naging bahagi ka na nga ng buo kong sistema – sa pagkain, pagtulog, pagpasok sa eskwela.. kahit saan, kahit ano..

malayo na nga ang narating natin, pero sadyang malayo pa ang bawat landas na ating tatahakin.. at kung sa dulo non ay ikaw pa rin ang aking kasama, magiging lubos akong masaya.. kung matupad ang pangako natin sa isa’t-isa na magkasama nating bubuuin bawat piraso ng ating mga pangarap, tunay sa akong magiging maligaya..

pero sabi ko nga, sa ating kwento, hindi lang naman ako at ikaw ang tauhan.. kundi ikaw, ako at sila.. may tiwala ako sa ‘yo, pero sa mga tao sa paligid natin, wala.. maraming pwedeng sumira ng ating nasimulang istorya.. at kung mangyari man yon, patuloy akong aasa na kaya mo pa rin akong ipaglaban.. sumugal na tayo sa isa’t-isa, kaya sana, panghawakan natin ang ating mga pangako..

pasensya ka na sa mga kakulitan ko, mga kalokohan, sa pagigigng sensitive, clumsy, carefree, tamad at antukin ko.. alam mo, naiinis ako sa ‘yo minsan kasi ang sungit sungit mo.. pero kahit ganon, iniintindi pa rin kita..

siguro nga hindi na tayo katulad nung dati.. hindi ka na kasing sweet noong mga unang araw pa lang natin.. tanga ako kung sasabihin ko na hindi ko na hinahanap yung ganon.. oo, namimiss ko na yung nakaraan, yung dating ikaw.. yung dating tayo.. namimiss ko yung mga paglalambing na ginagawa mo sa akin dati..

pero kahit ano man ang magbago sa ating dalawa, patuloy pa din kitang mamahalin, patuloy kitang yayakapin sa pagtulog, lalagyan ng toner at moisturizer sa gabi, ipagluluto, at aasikasuhin.. patuloiy kitang mamahalin.. kagaya ng dati..

ngayon, parte ka na ng blog ko.. parte ka na ng buhay ko.. hindi man tayo tanggap ng iba, asahan mo na sa bawat oras ay ipaglalaban kita.. sa bawat minuto ay iintindihin.. at sa bawat segundo ay mamahalin kita sa abot ng aking makakaya.. hinding hindi kita iiwan.. mahal kita.. alam mo yan..

has forever started?

is it always true that the best is yet to come?
what if the best had just come? what if you were just too busy minding other things that you didn't notice it was actually there, waiting to be seen and waiting to be embraced?
it vanished swiftly for you failed to take care of it..
then all of a sudden, you will find yourself spending your whole lifetime waiting for that best that you once ignored and let go...
hopeful as you are, you will still hold on to that belief that your fate is about to give you something more in time..

then a question suddenly popped out of the cold night: when will you know that what you have is already the best?
simple answer: just believe in it.. just keep on your mind that what you've got for the moment is already the best..
it may not be the best forever..
but best for the moment..
best, nonetheless..

hold it tight while it lasts, embrace it and take care of it...
nothing lasts forever, dear..
the best is nothing but transitory..
it is meant to end..
to give way to another one..
for tomorrow may not see us still in each other's arms..
but at least we had and gave our best for that one selfish moment..
so there, you are my best..
i am yours...
we may not be each other's best forever..
but best for the moment...
best, nonetheless..

i might want to be with you until that forever has ended..
but it still depends on the road that lies ahead of us..
for it's not only you and me..
but you, me and them..

the man in a maze

i fell asleep late last night because of the sweet poison i got from my deadly sticks.. my dream brought me inside a life-size maze.. and inside that maze was an overwhelming darkness.. i got afraid for i might not get out.. i looked for someone who would help me to escape from the fate i encountered.. i was afraid, and yet i had to move.. i did not know where to start.. neither did i know which direction should i venture.. i finally chose to move forward..

then i found this guy.. he looked so familiar yet so strange.. he seemed lost.. i attempted to call him but i did not know his name.. i walked towards him.. he noticed me and posted a tiny smile..

he looked fine.. but the instinct in me was saying that he is not.. i somehow knew that deep within his smile was a feeling of sadness, of loneliness.. that he was trapped in the vastness of an empty space.. he was lost indeed..

"help me find the way out, please," he told me with his soft voice and teary eyes.. and then he cried.. he was like a child forfeited of his favorite toy, an infant lost in a vacuum of his weakness.. i knew he wanted someone to talk to.. i knew he wanted a shoulder to cry on.. i knew he wanted to understand and to be understood.. i knew he needed a hero.. and i decided to be that hero.. i tapped him in his shoulder and told him i was listening.. he was seeking for answers to his endless questions.. he was craving for someone who would stay next to him against time, against distance and even against his own fate.. i was afraid i could just stay with him while i was in my dream.. i was afraid i had to leave him.. he was lost indeed.

i stayed with him in that solitary moment.. i wanted time to stop so that i could stay with him a little longer.. we tried to conquer the darkness and escape in that maze.. i tried to help him find his way out.. i wanted to ease his pain and see his bright face even before i leave.. but he was trapped in that maze.. and it seemed that there was no way out.. he couldn't move for he did not know where to go.. he was lost indeed..

until i heard the sound of time calling my name.. it was my alarm clock ringing for already half an hour.. i realized that in any moment i would have to leave him in that maze.. i wanted him to come with me but he couldn't.. i left him alone.. if only i could stay.. if only i could guide him.. he was lost indeed..

deep inside, i knew he was not a stranger.. but never did i know him then.. i finally woke up.. i grabbed my cellphone to check for messages.. then i found the same guy on my wallpaper.. it was exactly him.. i paused for a while, i stared at his image on my phone..

then i realized that the man on my dream was no one but me..

i was lost indeed..

on seduction

true true... :)

the campus library, a nice place for flirting?

the campus library - a place that many of the students do not even know exists; a place where the dragon-like woman growls at the slightest whisper one could make; and most of all, a place i rarely visit...

but who says studying is the only thing possible in the library? well if you're one, then you got to read this...

last friday was one of the hell days that the semester had brought... i had three exams and the fourth draft of my thesis to accomplish... i wasn't prepared for the exams yet and there wasn't even a single revision done to my thesis draft... so many things to do yet so little time to do all of them... not to mention that i was high those days because of less sleep and the abundance of school works i had to do...

i went straight to the library right after i got through my first exam... i took advantage of the silence inside the library to take a review on my notes... but i was not enthusiastic and i really lacked energy to even lift the pages of my book...

malapit ko na nga kantahin ang unwell dahil sa sobrang pag-iinarte dahil sa pagod...

too bad, i really had to study...

so there, i took the tiniest piece of my "estudyante mode" and forced those lessons to enter my brain... well, it took me a while before i jived with the lessons on my economic sociology...

i wasn't really fond of looking at people around me, so i just focused with what i was doing and ignored other students in the place...

when all of a sudden...

i saw this heavenly but equally hot face in my front... just a table away from the couch where i was seated... what the heck... i was destructed... my attention was diverted... shit, all my efforts to study were gone down the drain again... "why now?..why here?," i told myself as i softly whisper...

oh yeah, my entire attention was caught by him... in my mind, i named him heaven..

tangna tol, mag-aral ka!, just another thing i whispered to myself

then i heard a voice on my right ear - it was my angel asking me to leave the place immediately and find one where i can study my lessons well... then came another voice: stay there! just stay! - was it my devil? no, it was me.. hahaha.. there was a glimpse of heaven right in front of me, so why the hell would i leave?

oh yeah, i forgot about the two remaining exams...

i pretended to read my book while gazing at my heaven...

after a while, he caught me staring at him... i panicked... i blushed... i was bothered that he might have thought that i was flirting at him (well, sort of... hahaha)

to my surprise, i saw him smiling at me... whoah, was that real? i checked again and his soft and heavenly smile affirmed its truth... he was indeed smiling at me... i smiled back with a bit of annoyance on my face... i am not really comfortable whenever someone i do not know smiles at me...

i cut my stare and focused on my book... then a moment after, i looked at him again... he smiled again... shit, nothing about my economic sociology entered my brain... because of this hotter-than-hell heaven right in front of me... he was wearing a pink shirt that really matched his white complexion... his braces even added points to his fresh face... i guess he was younger than me.. a sophomore or a junior perhaps...

i made a glimpse on my wrist watch with the hope that the time stopped for that moment so that i would be able to stay longer with heaven... until i realized that it was actually 2:25 in the afternoon - just five minutes left before my next exam... shit, i hadn't been able to review my lessons... super shit, i had to leave my heaven that soon...

i looked at him and posted my last naughty but equally sweet smile... he did the same... too bad i did not have the guts to get to know him... and another bad thing, it was the library and we were not allowed to acquaint with people there... or else, the dragon queen will blow us with fire.. haha

i finally left the library, my heaven's haven... whew, that was the only time when i had fun inside that solemn and equally boring place... for almost four years of college life, that was the first ever time i wished for time to stop so that i could stay longer inside the library...

from then on, i decided that i will keep coming back to the library...

to you, my heaven, i will see you again...

super mario

sana ako na lang si super mario...
para kahit kailan, pwede akong magpalipat-lipat sa iba't-ibang mundo...
sana may mga warp zone na lang sa buhay, para hindi ko na kailangan dumaan sa mga pagsubok..


alam ko na hindi pwedeng habang-buhay akong nasa gitna ng dalawang mundo... oo, hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa din talaga alam kung saan ako lulugar...

alam kong darating at darating ang panahon na kailangan kong magdesisyon sa kung saan ba talaga ako mas masaya at sa kung saan ko ba talaga mahahanap ang tunay kong kailangan...

at alam ko, na kahit saang mundo ang piliin ko, meron at merong mga pagsubok...

kaya ngayon, hahayaan ko muna ang sarili ko na maging masaya sa paglalakbay sa dalawang mundo...
at hanggat hindi ko pa nahahanap ang lugar ko, mananatili muna akong isang super mario - patuloy na magpapalipat-lipat, habang patuloy na hinahanap ang tunay na sarili...

at hanggat madilim pa ang landas na aking nilalakaran, heto muna ako, sa isang madilim na larawan...

patuloy na hihintayin ang liwanag na gagabay sa tamang daan na dapat kong tahakin, patungo sa tamang lugar kung saan ako magiging masaya... habang-buhay...