the same old story, and the new me

so here i go again... back to that same old realistic [read: negative] views about this thing called love... back to that same old game i used to play when i was a total stranger into my own reality...

and here's the story, my first relationship with someone from the same plane...
and my first breakup... and yes, the demise of this hopeful in me...

after your request, promises and gigantic dreams for the two of us, after that night when you did not sleep just to watch me sleeping, and after that romantic breakfast, i finally gave in... i knew it was a roller coaster ride that awaits the two of us... but i took the risk... and my love for you had started... i gave you myself, and the promise of forever... i was full of hope... and endless smiles was the description of my life back then...

i thought our forever had began and my own happily-ever-after had come into existence... just i thought...

days had passed... sweet messages and romantic thoughts had been exchanged... you held my hand as if there was no tomorrow... you hugged me so tight as if you wouldn't let me go...

until one rainy day...

you sent me a text message... you said you had several issues with your life, with our relationship and with me... to make the long story short, you asked me if we could JUST be friends... you said you just have to fix your personal trouble, WITHOUT ME... you said you can't
hold on anymore... i knew it beforehand... i already figured it out several days before...

so right there and then, i gave up... right there and then, i already got off that same old vehicle we used to board towards eternity... right there and then, i lost sight of our forever... right there and then, i ended my journey with you...

we were done... and i already gave up...

you had me once... and that was more than enough... until another rainy midnight... i received a text message... you said you want me back, you wanted the "us" to be materialized again... but i declined... sorry, but i do not believe in "second once in a lifetime"...

i am not that same old stupid guy anymore... i am not blind not to see how much i sacrificed for you and how much i took my own issues for granted just to settle yours... i have my own stories too, but i set them aside to listen to yours... i have my own life too, but i set it aside to fix yours... i gave you the best that i could...

mahal kita at mamahalin kita hanggat nasa akin ka, pero pag tapos na yon at nawala ka na, tapos na din ang pagmamahal ko sa yo... ganon lang kasimple yon...

and i see no reason why i should still do...

i was once yours... that's it... end of OUR story... no second part, no replay...

it's now time for me to focus on my OWN story...

i grew strong, strong enough not to even bother to text you... i know it's your birthday on sunday, don't worry, as promised, i'll still be the one to greet you first... it's not a big deal at all since i always stay up late... i guess a greeting message will do... no phone call, no... i have some more important things to do than to phone you and discuss about the same old issues again - about the same old sorry and the box office i-promise-to-take-care-of-you-this-time again... not anymore... as i've said, i'm not yours anymore...

i know how to play my game... and ours was OVER... and yes, this guy has his brain stronger than his heart, and his pride stronger than his emotional investments... i know when to hold on and i know when to give up... and i gave up... i don't want to hold on to someone whose promises were not even materialized... and i don't want to look desperately waiting for you... i did, i waited... but i got up from my stupidity... and now i am wide awake...

and no, we're not getting there anymore... we're n0t getting to that eternity that i promised... my hands are not yours anymore...

i am not the one who should feel guilty here... i HAD done my part... i made sure that you had a great time with me... it was you who gave up, it was you who did not take care of our story... and it was you who first took your hand away from mine...

i guess i'm playing this game fairly... and i guess my defenses are still working well... i refuse to shed tears in my pillow... not again...

oh well, i can still be a friend... as i told you before, i was not hurt... yeah, for real... you know how to reach me... i am still using the same old mobile numbers... and still in the same old dormitory... i can still be your occasional smoke and coffee buddy... but i won't be waiting for you anymore... my room is always open for you... but i have already locked the doors of my heart and my mind for you...

oh, i remember i handed you two of my favorite books before you left... don't worry, i won't take them back... they're all yours...

before i forget, i have to say this: THANK YOU... because you taught me to be a good player... because you made me realize that i can never really be that boy with a halo... that i'm still that bad boy whose room is hellish... and that same old snob guy who doesn't care whatsoever... i know, you once brought out the good boy in me, but that good boy has already signed off the very moment we broke up...

i guess all i need for now is someone who will lead me back to that same old comfort zone where i was before you took me out... and most definitely it's NOT you... not again...

and this is me, back to that same old journey... still the same old bad boy laughing devilishly...
after all, i guess i've done well with you... i loved you ONCE...
and now it's time for me to love myself... and go back to that same old game i used to play...
i was left alone, but i still have my life... and that's more than enough... i can start from there...

goodbye for now, goodbye forever


=)
and i am now smiling... i guess i'm on my way to unleashing this bad-boy-to-the-next-level in me