yosi

yosi... ito ang bumubuhay sa puso at utak ko ngayon..
sa parehong paraan na ito din ang unti-unting pumapatay sa aking sistema...

yosi... dito nagsisimula ang bawat kwento sa aking buhay...
sa parehong paraan na dito din natatapos...

gusto ko nang tigilan...
pero hindi pwede...
dahil sa bawat usok, nandoon ang ala-ala...
ala-ala ng bawat kwentong nagwawakas ilang sandali matapos ang simula...
at ala-ala ng bawat tao na naglalaho kasabay ng pagdating ng umaga..

madalas ayaw kong dumating ang umaga...
hindi dahil sa mainit, hindi dahil sa kelangan na namang pumasok sa klase...
kundi dahil sa takot..
ipinapaalala lang ng sikat ng araw na sa buhay na to, hindi lahat permanente...
at sa madalas na pagkakataon, iiwan at iiwan ka ng taong hindi mo man lang ninais mawala kahit sandali..
at sa madalas din na pagkakataon, ala-ala na lang ang maiiwan sayo...
mga ala-alang babaunin mo habang buhay..
mga ala-alang kasama mo kahit sa panaginip...
mga ala-alang madalas na dahilan kung bakit basang-basa ng luha ang unan mo sa gabi..
at mga ala-ala na madalas ding dahilan kung bakit kulay dilaw na ang teddy bear mo na dati ay kulay puti...

hindi ko kayang tigilan ang yosi...
dahil hindi ko sya kayang kalimutan...
dahil kahit na iniwan nya ako...
sya pa din ang hahanap-hanapin ko...
at kahit na maubos na ang yosi sa buong mundo...
mananatili pa din sa aking isip ang bawat usok na aming pinagsaluhan...
dahil sa bawat usok, nandon ang mga ala-ala na iniwan nya...

dahil kahit ilang beses man akong mabuhay...
sya pa din ang pipiliin kong mahalin...
kahit na alam kong iiwan din nya ako...
at kahit na alam kong kagaya ng bawat usok na nakalalason, ay unti-unti din syang maglalaho...

Just Another Beautiful Story

My life used to be a big question

My existence had never been clear

When my world fell

When all I had to chase was my own demise

While I was lost in my own universe,

I found yours

The world that I was longing for

The only place in reality where I knew I could find acceptance

I wandered around and found more than enough of what I was looking for

This time, I am sure of who I am

I am certain of what I want

I am certain of what I need

And I am certain of why I even exist in this world

Now, I already know my purpose

I have already figured out the story that I wanted to create

it’s all because of you

You guided me to my own niche

You made me a different person

A better one indeed

In no doubt, you did a great job

You’ve had a pretty good number of stories

While I am still hoping that in a perfect moment, at a perfect place,

I will be able to start mine as well

You wish for a happy ending

But I simply wish for a story

I know, in due time, our wishes will come true

At some point from now, different pages in our lives will be opened

I know you hope for a better one

Soon enough, you will find one

Sad to say, but apart from mine

Though you may not be a part of my new story

and I may not be a part of yours

Believe me

You will always be in my memory

No matter how wonderful the future might be

You’re only the best that life has given me

This time, just before you settle for your own happiness elsewhere,

Just before you track the path you've always wanted

let me express my sincerest gratefulness

Thank you

Thank you for sharing a story with me

Thank you for putting another beautiful story in my life’s archive

And good luck to the life ahead of you

May you find your happily-ever-after there as I try to find mine here

If only I had a chance to see you

If only I had known you earlier

Maybe someday, somewhere, our worlds will meet again

Until that time comes…

i made this thank-you note couple of months ago... for someone who made me realize who i really am.... but i wasn't able to give it to him. so i just posted it here...
should the time come that he reach this site, maybe he will know that he is the one i am referring to...

stay close

i have nothing in mind...
but this song...
let it speak for me this time...



Stay Close, Don't Go
Secondhand Serenade

I’m staring at the glass in front of me,
is it half empty of our wins or have i ruined all you’ve given me?
I know I’ve been selfish,
I know I’ve been foolish,
but look through that
and you will see,
I’ll do better, I know,
Baby, I can do better.

If you leave me tonight, I’ll wake up alone,
don’t tell me I will make it on my own,
don’t leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sing till it dies
if you leave me tonight.

Sometimes I stare at you while you are sleeping,
I listen to your breathing,
amazed how I somehow managed to
sweep you off your feet girl,
your perfect little feet girl
I took for granted what you do.
But I’ll do better, I know
Baby, I can do better.

If you leave me tonight, I’ll wake up alone,
don’t tell me I will make it on my own,
don’t leave me tonight,
this heart of stone will sing till it dies
if you leave me tonight.

And don’t you know my heart is open, oh,
it’s putting up the fight,
and I’ve got this feeling,
that everything’s alright,
and don’t you see,
I’m not the only one for you
but you’re the only one for me.

If you leave me tonight I’ll wake up alone,

discovering wonderland

it was a cold dawn
the rain was falling hard
after a million smoke
after his victory over me in that card game
after the deal we had

he tried to catch me
i gradually fell in his trap
i was his slave on one moment
on the other, he let me feel that i was the master

there was a union of two souls craving for eternal heaven

halfway into wonderland,

and the breeze turned to blaze of fire
i did not know how to get there
but he showed me the way
he never let me lose

it was my first visit to wonderland
such a romantic torture on my innocence
my soft heart was overwhelmed with passion
with his arms around my delicate soul
an intimate moment i never wanted to end

he asked me to join him in his next trip
i promised to

but i don't know if there was a promise of commitment

salamat tol...

masyado ka pang bata. masyadong mahaba ang buhay para magmadali ka. kahit anong mangyari bukas, ang mahalaga, naeenjoy mo ang ngayon. madami pang pwedeng mangyari sa yo. basta hanapin mo ang sarili mo. wag kang matakot sa katotohanan. at wag kang matakot sa mga pwede pang mangyari. kelangan mo lang tanggapin kung ano ka talaga. ngayon ang tamang panahon para gawin mo yan, bago pa mahuli ang lahat.

yan ang sabi sa akin ng isang kaibigan. siguro nga, madami pa lang akong hindi naiintindihan sa kung ano ba talaga ako. madaming tanong. at siguro, takot din ako sa mga posibleng mangyari sa akin.
pero ngayon, pipilitin kong labanan ang takot. pipiliting tanggapin ang totoo kong pagkatao. ngayon, may isang tao na na alam kong mauunawaan ako, isang taong alam ko at sigurado ako na nasa kapareho kong mundo. salamat tol...

why so soon, mom?

somewhere in the night
there were two lonely hearts
gazing at the sunbeam
that vanished gently with the breeze

the color of your face
faded like the morning light
when darkness prevailed
in the cold freezing air

i thought you'd stay forever
but you suddenly said goodbye
amidst the moonlight and twinkling stars
this harsh life drawn you to your demise

(image taken from: http://images.search.yahoo.com)

dota boy

i had a great monday and tuesday because of dota boy. he is one of the few good college friends that i have. and yes, he is among the best ones.

we were from different course. we only became classmates on one of our general subjects. we knew each other since freshmen days because we stayed at the same dormitory back then. but we never had chances to get along with each other. he told me that i look snobbish and intimidating that's why he never talked to me even if he wanted to. we only became friends when we became classmates. during the first day of our class, i came in late (as always). i looked around the auditorium for some familiar faces. i found him and asked if i could sit beside him. he smiled and said yes. from then on, we became good friends. i had a great semester with dota boy. with all our gimiks and our trippings, he made me smile for a million times.

a week before vacation, i received a call from him informing that he would transfer to another campus of our school. i felt sad. but he promised that we are still going to see each other once in a while. and yes, we did not lose communication. we text and call each other - and that’s the best thing i like about him, he never forgets me.

this monday, we finally saw each other again. it has been almost a year since we last saw each other.

there are so much changes with him. except from the fact that he is still addicted to dota, more addicted in fact.

we decided to meet somewhere in makati. we had our lunch there. i told him that i would take charge of our bill but he insisted to pay.

after a while, he asked me where i want to go. i said watching movie would be fine.and he agreed.

our initial plan was to watch a horror movie, but when we arrived at the cinema, we found out that the screening of the movie we wanted to watch had just started twenty minutes ago and the next screening would be two hours later. we could not catch up if we go for the current screening, but too long to wait for the next one. so we decided to just roam around the mall instead.

he asked me if we could stay for a while at the computer shop where he plays dota. i did not want to go to that place since i do not know how to play dota. i told him that i would just stay in a nearby coffee shop and wait until he's done with his game. but he did not want me to leave. he asked me to stay with him while he was playing. so i did. yeah, at times, i can never really say no. he said he would teach me but i refused. i just told him that playing that game wasn't simply my interest. so i decided to just visit my favorite blogs while he was playing dota. yeah, among the crowd of people playing dota, i was the only one blogging...:) as in OP talaga ako...

after an hour, he got finished with his game. we had dinner in a nearby restaurant before we finally said our goodbyes.

he asked me if i could stay in his dormitory that night. i actually wanted to, but i already promised my cousin that i would sleep in her place that time. we finally said our goodbyes. he walked home while i rode on a cab to my cousin's house. i saw a bit of sadness in his face. i knew i disappointed him for not having spent the night with him. i knew we will not be seeing each other for a long while again. but i made a promise to my cousin. and as much as i can, i never want to break promises.

so i decided to call him and set up for another gimik the following day.

and yes, i had a great tuesday as well.

i gave him a call early in the morning to tell him to play as much as he wants while i am not yet there. and to stop his game the moment i arrive... :) it was around 1 pm when i arrived at our meeting place. while he was there since morning playing dota.

we went to a mall to have some snack. i told him i like japanese food (i knew since we have become friends that he doesn't like that kind of food). i asked him if he wanted to try. after about half-hour of thinking, he finally agreed.

we went to a park. we sat on the stairs, lit cigarette and watched people passing by. time stopped for both of us. i was starting to feel sad because the sun was about to set - which reminded me that in any moment, i would have to leave. i could not stay with him for that night because i have a seven o'clock class the following day. so i had to be back to LB.

there was a moment of silence. until he looked straight into my eyes and asked when is the next time we are gonna see each other again. i smiled just not to make him feel sad. i said i would be back whenever i find a free time. i asked him to come with me to LB but he had yet to fix some school stuff. i saw in him an image of a young boy who lost his favorite power ranger toy that time.

our last spot was the tokneneng stall near his dormitory. i was a bit hesitant to eat tokneneng at first because of the thought that it might be dirty. but he wanted me to try. so what else am i gonna do but to say yes. :) that was my first time to eat tokneneng in a street stall. i enjoyed that moment. and yes, among all the foods that we ate for the whole two days, that tokneneng was simply the best.

we parted ways after some stick of cigarette. i was a bit sad but i tried not to make him notice.

there are so many things that dota boy and i are unlike. but for some reasons, we became good friends. i do not feel anything for him but friendship. i do not know if a beautiful story awaits for the two of us. but for me, as of now, he is just a good friend...and i thank him for being such.