the journey to heal a heartache

time has passed.. things have changed.. some came.. some went away.. but still i'm here.. standing.. still.. like how i used to be..

perhaps it all started the day i and j decided to go on separate ways.. or should i say, landed on separate ways.. oh well, so much for that.. that's not really the topic.. haha.. it's been a while since i last posted in this blog.. and now i'm here.. to keep my blog alive.. and to keep my life's journal updated..

i've always wanted to write.. thing is, i really don't have that much time.. what is spared for me, most of the time i spend sleeping.. because aside from working during the night, i also spent a big portion of my time going to practically everywhere with my friends.. eating, drinking, and whatsoever we might think of.. also, i barely have that much inspiration.. oh well, by inspiration i refer to the self-driven one.. not the usual mushy inspiration that other people might know..

ok then.. time for my story..

lately, i've been into this not-so-nice adventure.. haha.. oh well, for my almost 5 months of being single, i've managed to divert my attention to something different.. perhaps to heal the pain that the previous relationship had etched on my not-so-strong heart..

with no intention to invest too much emotions, i've met a lot along the way (know what i'm saying?).. but really, none of them have captured that much of my interest.. not even the fleshy type..

m - he was the first guy i met at work.. honestly i had a slight interest with him.. physically, he was my type of guy - chubby, the best guy to sleep with during the cold nights -- tried, tested and proven.. haha.. .. but it was a bit late when i realized that he was up for naughty adventures ONLY.. and yes, i had some with him.. but that was it.. that was JUST it..

m2 - m2 is a bit different.. he was the sweet and mushy type of guy.. he always has cheesy lines every so often.. but i never really liked him.. we're still seeing each other until now.. chatting, texting and all sorts of communication.. but then again, no special emotions or whatsoever..

n - he used to be my student in one of the classes i handled when i was still in the academe.. well, if there is someone i like to be with.. it's probably him.. thing is, we never really managed to make it to a higher level.. perhaps because of the physical distance that keeps us apart.. i want to keep him.. but i don't think there can be the "us" anytime soon.. i cannot really blame him..

r - the fast and the furious.. he said "i love you" during our first date.. haha.. hell, he didn't even know me that much.. so there.. so much for him.. i never really wanted a roller coaster ride.. i want it slow, careful and serious..

h -- he was with me prior to j.. he once asked me out for coffee.. it was sometime in september.. as for him, fourteen months after we've last seen each other.. perhaps fourteen months after we officially ended.. what was planned to be just coffee went to something more (ok, wholesome mode..) "pahiram naman ako sayo for another hour".. he said.. then i said yes.. haha.. it's really hard for me to say no.. maybe i wanted to be with him a little longer too, that's why i hastily agreed with him.. and what was planned to be just an hour of extension became two.. three.. four.. and for all we knew..sun was about to set then.. and yes, he still has this spark.. he was still the one i once fell in love with.. darn..

i'm not perfect.. not even a bit.. i've got all the flaws in every detail of my physical and emotional being.. but thing is, i don't really tend to like someone for a long time.. these persons were more or less what i am looking for.. i just don't know why i suddenly lost my interest after having known them in their deeper sides... or maybe i haven't found yet the next person that i would want to be with.. if not for the rest of my existence, at least for a long while..

i know.. it will take a while to heal a heartache.. as i've mentioned in one of my posts in facebook -- we cannot really change what happened.. but at least we can always forget it.. time and again, with one heartache after another, i have already mastered the art of forgetting -- selective amnesia, as some refer to.. and more often than not, it's not the heartache that i forget, but the entire person.. perhaps the entire story that i have created with that person..

probably it'll take me a while too before i find the perfect one.. i'm not in a hurry though... not even searching, but i don't even close my door for the possibilities out there.. for i believe that the best things [people] are not found, but built.. we always prefer the ready-to-wear clothes.. but barely did we know that the best and the toughest ones are those that are extensively built by our dressmakers -- more often than not, they are unique and specially designed to meet our standards.. the perfect ones might even be around, coexisting with us.. just waiting for the right time and the right place..

*sigh*

and suddenly, we lost sight of forever..

i have to do this because this is the only option that i have for now.. i never really know what's there for us tomorrow.. or on the other day.. i might want to look forward for the best things to come our way.. but i can't still discount the fact that we are both like a paper boat this time.. fragile.. easily broken..

i actually wanted this relationship to be the best for both of us.. but it seems that things aren't just going right on track.. maybe just for now.. to be honest, it pains me a lot not to communicate with you.. we were both vulnerable these past few days.. maybe because of the busy schedules that we have.. alongside the overwhelming demands of our own professions come a strong challenge for the forever that we've once built..

i am happy that you are enjoying your job.. and i know you'll be a lot better in the days to come..

i don't really know if this "idle mode" for our relationship[should there still be any] would work out.. we have never really settled things down.. we both don't know what to expect from each other and what to do to each other.. we just both disappeared on each other's vision.. on each other's senses perhaps.. with no expectations set.. without even the assurance of coming back to each other's arms again..

i don't want to say goodbye.. this might not be appropriate for our situation now.. should things get well in the near future, i will still be here.. i will wait until time allows me to.. remember, there's someone whom you can come to whenever you get lost.. when this dumb life throws trashes on you, just never hesitate to approach me.. and there's always a helping hand and heart right here.. i'll give you time for now.. we both need that, i believe.. you can always come home to me.. i love you.. and you know that..

and you might want to reminisce with this song.. the one you sung to me over the phone a few months ago.. who would forget that sweet voice singing a sweet song in a sweet cold night..

sabi mo eh..

ang sabi mo sa akin kanina, hindi ako marunong makinig pag pinagsasabihan.. spoiled bratt.. kelangan masunod lahat ng gutso.. sabi mo din, hindi ako tumatanggap ng opinyon ng iba.. oo na.. tama ka naman talaga matigas talaga ang ulo ko. mas nakikinig ako sa sarili ko kahit na alam ko na minsan eh sablay ang mga desisyon ko.. pasensya ka na, mahirap kasi baguhin ang nakasanayan.. naalala mo pa yung teorya ko tungkol sa natural order? alam mo, hanggang ngayon eh naniniwala pa din ako dun..

pasensya ka na kung minsan eh pinipilit kitang gawin ang mga bagay na ayaw mo.. pasensya ka na kung madalas akong parang bata kung umasta.. alam ko naman na hindi na ako bata.. hindi na ako mahilig sa lollipop na nauubos eh.. haha..

mahal na mahal kita.. sa loob ng pitong bwan na nagkasama tayo, naging masaya ako.. sa bawat araw, gabi, at kahit na madaling araw.. sa tuwing magkasama tayo, ayoko nang matapos ang oras.. kaso hindi pwede.. sabi mo nga, hindi lang tayong dalawa ang tao sa mundo.. alam mong malaking parte ka ng mundo ko.. kahit na kung minsan ay naiisip mo na hindi kita naaappreciate.. alam mo na hindi totoo yun.. gusto ko lang na magkasama tayo.. yun lang masaya na ko..

alam mo din naman ang pinagdadaanan ko sa ngayon.. mahirap lampasan ang problema ng mag-isa.. mahirap mag-isa.. oo, matapang ako.. risk-taker.. palaban.. yun ang sabi mo diba.. pinipilit ko maging matapang.. pero hindi maging manhid..

sana din lang, hindi ka na lang basta-basta nagiging bulag, pipi at bingi pag nag aaway tayo.. masakit kasi na walang pakialam sayo ang taong mahal mo.. sabi mo yun diba?

alam ko naman na hindi perpekto ang relasyon natin.. wala naman talagang ganun eh.. pero may mga bagay talaga na hindi natin kaya icontrol.. alam mo, minsan kahit anung pilit ko kontrolin ang nararamdaman ko, hindi ko pa din talaga kaya..

masakit sa akin yung nagyari kanina.. muntik na nga tumulo ang luha ko nung nasa fx ako pauwi ng bahay eh.. masakit isipin na ganon mo na lang ako kabilis papakawalan.. pero sana naman, hindi na tayo umabot sa ganon.. tama na yung isang beses..

kung sakaling mapagod ka na sa akin, hindi na kita pipigilan. ayokong paghigpitan ka.. mahal na mahal kita.. alam mo yan.. ayoko lang maging unfair sayo at sa sarili ko.. hindi ko ipipilit ang sarili ko sayo kahit na masaktan ako..

masaya ako na kasama ka.. at mas magiging masaya pa ako kung makakasama kita ng mas matagal na panahon..

kanina ko pa gutso umiyak pero hindi ko magawa.. kaya eto, dinaan ko na lang sa blog.. sana makabawas man lang to sa nararamdaan ko..

hindi nga ako marunong makinig, pero marunong akong magmahal.. sana nararamdaman mo yon..

kahapon, habang nasa bus ako, bigla akong napadpad sa mga messages mo sa inbox ko.. ito yung message mo sa akin nung nakaraang pasko..

hon, i love u, wag m0ng gawing manhid ung sarle m. D kta iwan at papabyaan, ok I love you. Mrami k dng bngo s pgiicp q. Tnulungan m q intndhn ung sarle q. Ndi kta hahayaang mwla sakn. Ok. Lge ktang yayakapn, tpos iki2ss, tpos kukulitin. Ok, papasayahin kta s abot ng mkakaya q. D q mpapangak0ng d kta msasaktan, pro d aq gagawa ng mkakasakt sau ng s0bra. Bta p tau, mdmi p taung mrarating at mraranasan, at gxto qng gwn un kxma k. Cmula ng mahalin kta, kxma k n s buhay q. I love you. :-)

yan yung eksaktong message mo sakin nun..

ngayon, handa na akong ibuhos ang mga luhang matagal nang naghihntay na makalaya mula sa aking mga mata.. sapat na siguro ang laptop na to sa harap ko para pagaanin ang mabigat kong pakiramdam..

eto nga pala yung isang kanta para sayo.. naalala mo pa nung lagi kong pinapatugtog yan nung mga unang araw natin? pakinggan mo..

the newbie

college graduation marks the end of one's academic endeavours, on one hand.. and on the other, the passage to the real world -- where, as a text message goes on, the test comes prior to the lesson..

i have graduated just weeks ago.. and now, here i am.. venturing the wide sea of the real world.. looking for a possible niche where i can place myself, a place where i can mount my own dreams.. things have changed, indeed..

for the mean time, i grabbed the opportunity to perform a profession that many would tend to label as "easy".. and here i am.. waking up a few hours before the sun rises so that i won't get stuck in the mrt when the freaking rush hour starts and get to work at 7..

at work, i have to do away with my estduyante habits.. no more late's.. not even one.. haha.. it's kinda hard.. nevertheless, i can do it.. i believe.. it is my first job, and as a newbie to business realities, i still keep my idealistic mindset that at a point in time, i could draw my own success.. i will.. i believe..

at 20, i know i still have a lot to experience and to accomplish.. little do i know what's there for me tomorrow, nonetheless, i believe there will be a lot.. and a lot more.. haha..

so there.. it's me in another phase of my colorful life.. in another realm of fairy tales.. but still within the portals of my own being..

somewhere out there...

undo

just got a nice thought here..

kanina, habang gumagawa kami ng powerpoint presentation ng research namin, bigla ko na lang nasabi sa mga groupmates ko,

walang control Z sa buhay, sa computer lang yun..

out of nowhere.. haha

joke as it may seem..

pero minsan, sa mga simpleng salitang binibitiwan natin, dun lumalabas ang mag bagay na sadyang hindi natin kayang sabihin

play of words.. outlet of hidden emotions

a special gift for your birthday

I really wish we could be perfect. I really wish that someday, somewhere, you find completeness with me – in spite of and despite of the world that goes around us. Amidst the chill of the morning that completely wipes away the fragile beams of the rising sun, I want to wake up with your arms wrapped around me and your soft lips against mine. Whereby no means of doing so is absolutely possible, I want to take you as my own – my man, my friend and my companion through all these endeavors I face.

You are my dream coming into life, my knight in this battlefield, my king to be served and pampered, my angel to guide me through the darkness of my fate. Notwithstanding the pains it may cause me, I will still hold on until we reach the end of forever. Perhaps, we have already started building our future, we have already established a life that has to be nourished with profound love.

Together we will cross the boarders of eternity. Until forever and ever has vanished, my love for you will be perpetual.

We may never deny that it has been a roller coaster ride for the two of us. Nonetheless, it was the best roller coaster ride that I ever had in the entirety of my existence. Of course, I’ve got the best person to ride with. And even if we are drifting into a thousand and one loops of the track, I am still hoping that we hold on – as tight as we can. Everything is meant to end, my dear – and so do the loops that we are experiencing. Until then, I wish you are still the one I am riding with.

I will forever and ever go back to this ride, to the loops and to the earthly heavens. I will do whatever it takes just to be with that single thing that puts me in a blissful realm. Should the two of us be permitted to live a second life in this world, I will still search for you. You know I will. I will still opt to ride with you in that same old roller coaster – experience occasional fight, and live with each other’s unconditional love.

Just hold my hand tight, and I promise that we won’t fall. Just hold on tight, for I may not be strong enough to catch you. Sure enough, you are aware of my weaknesses – and so am I on yours.

once again..

para kay B-)

medyo matagal na din ang pinagsamahan natin.. madami na din tayong lugar na napuntahan ng magkasama.. maraming beses mo na din akong pinagalitan at sinungitan.. halos bawat gabi din tayong magkatabi sa pagtulog at magkayakap hanggang umaga.. haha.. napaiyak mo na nga ako isang beses eh.. ang galing mo talaga..

pero alam mo, sa lahat ng yon, pinakagusto ko yung inaalagaan at inaasikaso mo ko.. yung pinatatawa, pinapangiti pag badtrip.. at ang smiley na naging simbolo nating dalawa :-) B-)

sabi ko sa iyo dati, ayokong magmahal kasi masaya naman ko sa buhay ko at.. hindi totoo yun, gusto kong magmahal pero natatakot akong masaktan, natatakot akong mapagastos ng malaki dahil sa tuwing masama ang loob ko eh kung anu-anong binibili ko.. ayokong masaktan kasi wala namang magcocomfort sakin.. mahirap kaya umiyak ng mag-isa.. hindi naman kasi lahat ng tao eh maiintindihan ang sitwasyon ko..

pero sa kabila ng lahat ng takot at alinlangan, pinili ko pa din na mahalin ka.. eh ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ko eh nandun na tayo.. wala nang atrasan.. sabi mo nga, nahulog na ako sa bitag mo.. haha..

at eto na nga, sumugal na ako sa kinatatakutan kong pag-ibig.. totoong walang kasiguraduhan ang ating buhay sa mundo.. hindi natin alam kung anong magyayari bukas.. sa isang bukas.. at sa mga darating pa na bukas.. at sana, sa mga yon, kasama pa rin kita..

natutunan kitang mahalin sa paglipas ng mga araw.. natutunang pahalagahan, at gawing parte ng akig buhay, ng aking mga pangarap.. at ng aking bukas.. naging bahagi ka na nga ng buo kong sistema – sa pagkain, pagtulog, pagpasok sa eskwela.. kahit saan, kahit ano..

malayo na nga ang narating natin, pero sadyang malayo pa ang bawat landas na ating tatahakin.. at kung sa dulo non ay ikaw pa rin ang aking kasama, magiging lubos akong masaya.. kung matupad ang pangako natin sa isa’t-isa na magkasama nating bubuuin bawat piraso ng ating mga pangarap, tunay sa akong magiging maligaya..

pero sabi ko nga, sa ating kwento, hindi lang naman ako at ikaw ang tauhan.. kundi ikaw, ako at sila.. may tiwala ako sa ‘yo, pero sa mga tao sa paligid natin, wala.. maraming pwedeng sumira ng ating nasimulang istorya.. at kung mangyari man yon, patuloy akong aasa na kaya mo pa rin akong ipaglaban.. sumugal na tayo sa isa’t-isa, kaya sana, panghawakan natin ang ating mga pangako..

pasensya ka na sa mga kakulitan ko, mga kalokohan, sa pagigigng sensitive, clumsy, carefree, tamad at antukin ko.. alam mo, naiinis ako sa ‘yo minsan kasi ang sungit sungit mo.. pero kahit ganon, iniintindi pa rin kita..

siguro nga hindi na tayo katulad nung dati.. hindi ka na kasing sweet noong mga unang araw pa lang natin.. tanga ako kung sasabihin ko na hindi ko na hinahanap yung ganon.. oo, namimiss ko na yung nakaraan, yung dating ikaw.. yung dating tayo.. namimiss ko yung mga paglalambing na ginagawa mo sa akin dati..

pero kahit ano man ang magbago sa ating dalawa, patuloy pa din kitang mamahalin, patuloy kitang yayakapin sa pagtulog, lalagyan ng toner at moisturizer sa gabi, ipagluluto, at aasikasuhin.. patuloiy kitang mamahalin.. kagaya ng dati..

ngayon, parte ka na ng blog ko.. parte ka na ng buhay ko.. hindi man tayo tanggap ng iba, asahan mo na sa bawat oras ay ipaglalaban kita.. sa bawat minuto ay iintindihin.. at sa bawat segundo ay mamahalin kita sa abot ng aking makakaya.. hinding hindi kita iiwan.. mahal kita.. alam mo yan..

has forever started?

is it always true that the best is yet to come?
what if the best had just come? what if you were just too busy minding other things that you didn't notice it was actually there, waiting to be seen and waiting to be embraced?
it vanished swiftly for you failed to take care of it..
then all of a sudden, you will find yourself spending your whole lifetime waiting for that best that you once ignored and let go...
hopeful as you are, you will still hold on to that belief that your fate is about to give you something more in time..

then a question suddenly popped out of the cold night: when will you know that what you have is already the best?
simple answer: just believe in it.. just keep on your mind that what you've got for the moment is already the best..
it may not be the best forever..
but best for the moment..
best, nonetheless..

hold it tight while it lasts, embrace it and take care of it...
nothing lasts forever, dear..
the best is nothing but transitory..
it is meant to end..
to give way to another one..
for tomorrow may not see us still in each other's arms..
but at least we had and gave our best for that one selfish moment..
so there, you are my best..
i am yours...
we may not be each other's best forever..
but best for the moment...
best, nonetheless..

i might want to be with you until that forever has ended..
but it still depends on the road that lies ahead of us..
for it's not only you and me..
but you, me and them..

the man in a maze

i fell asleep late last night because of the sweet poison i got from my deadly sticks.. my dream brought me inside a life-size maze.. and inside that maze was an overwhelming darkness.. i got afraid for i might not get out.. i looked for someone who would help me to escape from the fate i encountered.. i was afraid, and yet i had to move.. i did not know where to start.. neither did i know which direction should i venture.. i finally chose to move forward..

then i found this guy.. he looked so familiar yet so strange.. he seemed lost.. i attempted to call him but i did not know his name.. i walked towards him.. he noticed me and posted a tiny smile..

he looked fine.. but the instinct in me was saying that he is not.. i somehow knew that deep within his smile was a feeling of sadness, of loneliness.. that he was trapped in the vastness of an empty space.. he was lost indeed..

"help me find the way out, please," he told me with his soft voice and teary eyes.. and then he cried.. he was like a child forfeited of his favorite toy, an infant lost in a vacuum of his weakness.. i knew he wanted someone to talk to.. i knew he wanted a shoulder to cry on.. i knew he wanted to understand and to be understood.. i knew he needed a hero.. and i decided to be that hero.. i tapped him in his shoulder and told him i was listening.. he was seeking for answers to his endless questions.. he was craving for someone who would stay next to him against time, against distance and even against his own fate.. i was afraid i could just stay with him while i was in my dream.. i was afraid i had to leave him.. he was lost indeed.

i stayed with him in that solitary moment.. i wanted time to stop so that i could stay with him a little longer.. we tried to conquer the darkness and escape in that maze.. i tried to help him find his way out.. i wanted to ease his pain and see his bright face even before i leave.. but he was trapped in that maze.. and it seemed that there was no way out.. he couldn't move for he did not know where to go.. he was lost indeed..

until i heard the sound of time calling my name.. it was my alarm clock ringing for already half an hour.. i realized that in any moment i would have to leave him in that maze.. i wanted him to come with me but he couldn't.. i left him alone.. if only i could stay.. if only i could guide him.. he was lost indeed..

deep inside, i knew he was not a stranger.. but never did i know him then.. i finally woke up.. i grabbed my cellphone to check for messages.. then i found the same guy on my wallpaper.. it was exactly him.. i paused for a while, i stared at his image on my phone..

then i realized that the man on my dream was no one but me..

i was lost indeed..

on seduction

true true... :)

the campus library, a nice place for flirting?

the campus library - a place that many of the students do not even know exists; a place where the dragon-like woman growls at the slightest whisper one could make; and most of all, a place i rarely visit...

but who says studying is the only thing possible in the library? well if you're one, then you got to read this...

last friday was one of the hell days that the semester had brought... i had three exams and the fourth draft of my thesis to accomplish... i wasn't prepared for the exams yet and there wasn't even a single revision done to my thesis draft... so many things to do yet so little time to do all of them... not to mention that i was high those days because of less sleep and the abundance of school works i had to do...

i went straight to the library right after i got through my first exam... i took advantage of the silence inside the library to take a review on my notes... but i was not enthusiastic and i really lacked energy to even lift the pages of my book...

malapit ko na nga kantahin ang unwell dahil sa sobrang pag-iinarte dahil sa pagod...

too bad, i really had to study...

so there, i took the tiniest piece of my "estudyante mode" and forced those lessons to enter my brain... well, it took me a while before i jived with the lessons on my economic sociology...

i wasn't really fond of looking at people around me, so i just focused with what i was doing and ignored other students in the place...

when all of a sudden...

i saw this heavenly but equally hot face in my front... just a table away from the couch where i was seated... what the heck... i was destructed... my attention was diverted... shit, all my efforts to study were gone down the drain again... "why now?..why here?," i told myself as i softly whisper...

oh yeah, my entire attention was caught by him... in my mind, i named him heaven..

tangna tol, mag-aral ka!, just another thing i whispered to myself

then i heard a voice on my right ear - it was my angel asking me to leave the place immediately and find one where i can study my lessons well... then came another voice: stay there! just stay! - was it my devil? no, it was me.. hahaha.. there was a glimpse of heaven right in front of me, so why the hell would i leave?

oh yeah, i forgot about the two remaining exams...

i pretended to read my book while gazing at my heaven...

after a while, he caught me staring at him... i panicked... i blushed... i was bothered that he might have thought that i was flirting at him (well, sort of... hahaha)

to my surprise, i saw him smiling at me... whoah, was that real? i checked again and his soft and heavenly smile affirmed its truth... he was indeed smiling at me... i smiled back with a bit of annoyance on my face... i am not really comfortable whenever someone i do not know smiles at me...

i cut my stare and focused on my book... then a moment after, i looked at him again... he smiled again... shit, nothing about my economic sociology entered my brain... because of this hotter-than-hell heaven right in front of me... he was wearing a pink shirt that really matched his white complexion... his braces even added points to his fresh face... i guess he was younger than me.. a sophomore or a junior perhaps...

i made a glimpse on my wrist watch with the hope that the time stopped for that moment so that i would be able to stay longer with heaven... until i realized that it was actually 2:25 in the afternoon - just five minutes left before my next exam... shit, i hadn't been able to review my lessons... super shit, i had to leave my heaven that soon...

i looked at him and posted my last naughty but equally sweet smile... he did the same... too bad i did not have the guts to get to know him... and another bad thing, it was the library and we were not allowed to acquaint with people there... or else, the dragon queen will blow us with fire.. haha

i finally left the library, my heaven's haven... whew, that was the only time when i had fun inside that solemn and equally boring place... for almost four years of college life, that was the first ever time i wished for time to stop so that i could stay longer inside the library...

from then on, i decided that i will keep coming back to the library...

to you, my heaven, i will see you again...

super mario

sana ako na lang si super mario...
para kahit kailan, pwede akong magpalipat-lipat sa iba't-ibang mundo...
sana may mga warp zone na lang sa buhay, para hindi ko na kailangan dumaan sa mga pagsubok..


alam ko na hindi pwedeng habang-buhay akong nasa gitna ng dalawang mundo... oo, hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa din talaga alam kung saan ako lulugar...

alam kong darating at darating ang panahon na kailangan kong magdesisyon sa kung saan ba talaga ako mas masaya at sa kung saan ko ba talaga mahahanap ang tunay kong kailangan...

at alam ko, na kahit saang mundo ang piliin ko, meron at merong mga pagsubok...

kaya ngayon, hahayaan ko muna ang sarili ko na maging masaya sa paglalakbay sa dalawang mundo...
at hanggat hindi ko pa nahahanap ang lugar ko, mananatili muna akong isang super mario - patuloy na magpapalipat-lipat, habang patuloy na hinahanap ang tunay na sarili...

at hanggat madilim pa ang landas na aking nilalakaran, heto muna ako, sa isang madilim na larawan...

patuloy na hihintayin ang liwanag na gagabay sa tamang daan na dapat kong tahakin, patungo sa tamang lugar kung saan ako magiging masaya... habang-buhay...

the same old story, and the new me

so here i go again... back to that same old realistic [read: negative] views about this thing called love... back to that same old game i used to play when i was a total stranger into my own reality...

and here's the story, my first relationship with someone from the same plane...
and my first breakup... and yes, the demise of this hopeful in me...

after your request, promises and gigantic dreams for the two of us, after that night when you did not sleep just to watch me sleeping, and after that romantic breakfast, i finally gave in... i knew it was a roller coaster ride that awaits the two of us... but i took the risk... and my love for you had started... i gave you myself, and the promise of forever... i was full of hope... and endless smiles was the description of my life back then...

i thought our forever had began and my own happily-ever-after had come into existence... just i thought...

days had passed... sweet messages and romantic thoughts had been exchanged... you held my hand as if there was no tomorrow... you hugged me so tight as if you wouldn't let me go...

until one rainy day...

you sent me a text message... you said you had several issues with your life, with our relationship and with me... to make the long story short, you asked me if we could JUST be friends... you said you just have to fix your personal trouble, WITHOUT ME... you said you can't
hold on anymore... i knew it beforehand... i already figured it out several days before...

so right there and then, i gave up... right there and then, i already got off that same old vehicle we used to board towards eternity... right there and then, i lost sight of our forever... right there and then, i ended my journey with you...

we were done... and i already gave up...

you had me once... and that was more than enough... until another rainy midnight... i received a text message... you said you want me back, you wanted the "us" to be materialized again... but i declined... sorry, but i do not believe in "second once in a lifetime"...

i am not that same old stupid guy anymore... i am not blind not to see how much i sacrificed for you and how much i took my own issues for granted just to settle yours... i have my own stories too, but i set them aside to listen to yours... i have my own life too, but i set it aside to fix yours... i gave you the best that i could...

mahal kita at mamahalin kita hanggat nasa akin ka, pero pag tapos na yon at nawala ka na, tapos na din ang pagmamahal ko sa yo... ganon lang kasimple yon...

and i see no reason why i should still do...

i was once yours... that's it... end of OUR story... no second part, no replay...

it's now time for me to focus on my OWN story...

i grew strong, strong enough not to even bother to text you... i know it's your birthday on sunday, don't worry, as promised, i'll still be the one to greet you first... it's not a big deal at all since i always stay up late... i guess a greeting message will do... no phone call, no... i have some more important things to do than to phone you and discuss about the same old issues again - about the same old sorry and the box office i-promise-to-take-care-of-you-this-time again... not anymore... as i've said, i'm not yours anymore...

i know how to play my game... and ours was OVER... and yes, this guy has his brain stronger than his heart, and his pride stronger than his emotional investments... i know when to hold on and i know when to give up... and i gave up... i don't want to hold on to someone whose promises were not even materialized... and i don't want to look desperately waiting for you... i did, i waited... but i got up from my stupidity... and now i am wide awake...

and no, we're not getting there anymore... we're n0t getting to that eternity that i promised... my hands are not yours anymore...

i am not the one who should feel guilty here... i HAD done my part... i made sure that you had a great time with me... it was you who gave up, it was you who did not take care of our story... and it was you who first took your hand away from mine...

i guess i'm playing this game fairly... and i guess my defenses are still working well... i refuse to shed tears in my pillow... not again...

oh well, i can still be a friend... as i told you before, i was not hurt... yeah, for real... you know how to reach me... i am still using the same old mobile numbers... and still in the same old dormitory... i can still be your occasional smoke and coffee buddy... but i won't be waiting for you anymore... my room is always open for you... but i have already locked the doors of my heart and my mind for you...

oh, i remember i handed you two of my favorite books before you left... don't worry, i won't take them back... they're all yours...

before i forget, i have to say this: THANK YOU... because you taught me to be a good player... because you made me realize that i can never really be that boy with a halo... that i'm still that bad boy whose room is hellish... and that same old snob guy who doesn't care whatsoever... i know, you once brought out the good boy in me, but that good boy has already signed off the very moment we broke up...

i guess all i need for now is someone who will lead me back to that same old comfort zone where i was before you took me out... and most definitely it's NOT you... not again...

and this is me, back to that same old journey... still the same old bad boy laughing devilishly...
after all, i guess i've done well with you... i loved you ONCE...
and now it's time for me to love myself... and go back to that same old game i used to play...
i was left alone, but i still have my life... and that's more than enough... i can start from there...

goodbye for now, goodbye forever


=)
and i am now smiling... i guess i'm on my way to unleashing this bad-boy-to-the-next-level in me

and a lot of questions

1. What was the last message in your inbox ? a sweet note from someone...

2. Who is your best friend ? someone i made a post in this blog

3. What schools are you attending right now? UP

4. Do you have a pet ? yep yep, a dog

5. What song are you listening to now ? lost in space

6. Did you kiss anybody in the past 2 days ? Yippie :)

7. Have you ever kissed someone you met in the blogosphere? Nope, haven't met one...

8. Would you be happy if you had everything ? so so

9. Are you always thinking of someone special? yep yep yep... and i'm tired of doing so... :) but i just can't stop...

10. Tell us of your most desperate dream? refer to this post: salamat sa ulan

11. If you had a crush, would you tell that you love him/her now ? Nope, hindi ko yata kaya :)

12. If you could be anywhere in the world now, where would you want to be ? north pole

13. When was your heart last broken? woosh....

14. How many email accounts do you have? 4...

15. What do you wear when you sleep? none... bare naked :)

16. What is your current status? single, available and free... ;) hahaha naughty
17. Are you currently in a relationship? nope...

18. Have you ever been given a rose? yep.. four blue roses (bakit four? ewan ko din)

19. What is your all-time favorite love story movie? i don't like love stories

20. Are you in love ryt now? i don't know... hahaha

21. Do you believe that everyone has a soulmate? soulmate? duh... there's no scientific basis for me to believe in such... :)

22. What's your current problem? refer to #20... :)

23. Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend? hahaha... refer to this post again: salamat sa ulan

24. Do you want to spend your life with the person you're with right now? refer to #2o again...:)

25. How many kids do you want to have? 3 (sana)

26. What is/are your favorite color/s? black, white, blue, pink

27. Do u believe in love at first sight? nope, it's purely infatuation at first sight... :)

28. What were you doing at 8 this morning? sleeping..

29. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? reading blogs

30. How many different things did you drink today? 3... water, lemonade, cereal drink

31. What was the last thing someone bought for you? gummy worms... yum yum

32. What was the last gift you received for your birthday? pillow from my best friend...

33. What color is your mouse right now? red

34. What is the best ice-cream flavor? pistachio

35. What is something you are excited about? graduation :) and life after that..

36. What do you spend most of your money on? personal hygiene = 40%, food = 40% savings = 20% (ganyan ko ibudget ang weekly allowance ko)

37. If you could change anything about the past two months would you? refer to #9 and #20

38. Do you watch The OC? i did

39. Does your screen name have an 'x' in it? kylexxx? hahaha

40. Are you typically a jealous person? yep yep

a dozen of text messages and a song

it was a few minutes before lunch time when i got up...
first thing in the morning: check the messages on my cellphone...
i got twelve - eleven of them (which i guess i was strong enough to read) came from one person
[i will tell the story about the messages soon]

another text message from a friend... and that one really made me go emo this early...
here's the message:

there's a difference between goodbye and letting go...

goodbye is...

i will see you again when i'm ready to hold your hand and when you're ready to hold mine...

letting go is...

i will miss your hand. i realized it's not mine to hold and i will never hold it again...

after my morning rituals, thesis mode again... my mind went blank while staring at the monitor... i could not think of anything... my mind was not yet totally awake... so i decided to turn on the radio... then i came across an unfamiliar song... i got struck by this single song that i had never heard before... good thing, the dj said the title... so i hastily opened youtube to search for a video of that song...



was the song really striking? or am i just being too sensitive?

oh my... what's happening? why this song? why those text messages? why now? after what happened last night? waah..

i guess i have to let you go...
oo na, malaya ka na...

<*it's one heck of an emo day ahead*>

part-time

it has been a while since i last posted in this blog... i've been occupied by lots of things these past few days... thesis, exams, papers, projects... school life.. estudyante mode, as i've always been telling my friends when they ask me to hang out... so many things changed when classes started. top of the list, my frequency of updating this blog and visiting others'.. i have been a blogger since last summer.. i was a full time blogger then, though i was also on my internship mode.. but now, because of this big RESPONSIBILITY attached with being a student, i have to be just a part-time blogger, a part-time student, a part-time friend and a part-time partner.. yes, i don't live my life focusing on just one sphere..

part-time student.. i do not really take studying as a real big deal.. i do not read books and handouts.. neither do i frequent the library (san nga ulit ang library sa campus?)... but at some exceptional situations, i still manage to be a full-time student (like once a month).. yeah, i know my responsibilities and i still make it a point that i accomplish all of them..

part-time friend, part-time adik, part-time emo.. i am more of a happy-go-lucky person.. "adik", as my friends call me.. honestly, i am not that serious type of guy.. you would always see me smiling and laughing like a real adik.. i have problems.. lots of problems.. but they are not evident on me..

part-time partner.. yes, i made up my mind and got that big big COURAGE to enter into this relationship.. with someone who's in the same world as mine.. it is my first time to settle with someone of my kind.. i was hesitant at first.. i got this thought that i might get hurt.. but still, i took the risk..

this semester has really brought lots of changes to me.. it's the second to the last semester that i have to spend in my undergrad (hopefully).. several months from now, i'll be entering into the real world.. i don't know yet what's there for me in the coming days.. but for now, i still want believe that i am doing fine - as a student, as a friend, as a family and as a partner..

oh well, i guess that's all for now.. i still want to tell more .. but i also need to polish the second draft of my thesis..
<*estudyante mode activated*>

i have yet to find another spare time for my stories..


:)

yosi

yosi... ito ang bumubuhay sa puso at utak ko ngayon..
sa parehong paraan na ito din ang unti-unting pumapatay sa aking sistema...

yosi... dito nagsisimula ang bawat kwento sa aking buhay...
sa parehong paraan na dito din natatapos...

gusto ko nang tigilan...
pero hindi pwede...
dahil sa bawat usok, nandoon ang ala-ala...
ala-ala ng bawat kwentong nagwawakas ilang sandali matapos ang simula...
at ala-ala ng bawat tao na naglalaho kasabay ng pagdating ng umaga..

madalas ayaw kong dumating ang umaga...
hindi dahil sa mainit, hindi dahil sa kelangan na namang pumasok sa klase...
kundi dahil sa takot..
ipinapaalala lang ng sikat ng araw na sa buhay na to, hindi lahat permanente...
at sa madalas na pagkakataon, iiwan at iiwan ka ng taong hindi mo man lang ninais mawala kahit sandali..
at sa madalas din na pagkakataon, ala-ala na lang ang maiiwan sayo...
mga ala-alang babaunin mo habang buhay..
mga ala-alang kasama mo kahit sa panaginip...
mga ala-alang madalas na dahilan kung bakit basang-basa ng luha ang unan mo sa gabi..
at mga ala-ala na madalas ding dahilan kung bakit kulay dilaw na ang teddy bear mo na dati ay kulay puti...

hindi ko kayang tigilan ang yosi...
dahil hindi ko sya kayang kalimutan...
dahil kahit na iniwan nya ako...
sya pa din ang hahanap-hanapin ko...
at kahit na maubos na ang yosi sa buong mundo...
mananatili pa din sa aking isip ang bawat usok na aming pinagsaluhan...
dahil sa bawat usok, nandon ang mga ala-ala na iniwan nya...

dahil kahit ilang beses man akong mabuhay...
sya pa din ang pipiliin kong mahalin...
kahit na alam kong iiwan din nya ako...
at kahit na alam kong kagaya ng bawat usok na nakalalason, ay unti-unti din syang maglalaho...